It’s Sunday morning. I should be somewhere else besides sitting on the floor of my living room writing this post. I should be in church.
But I just don’t want to go.
No…actually - that’s not true I do want to go…really bad! I want to go to church and say good morning and hello to my friends as I walk through the doors, I want to find a seat that has been waiting for me next to my friends. I want to stand up and raise my hands in Worship to my God with the power of an entire congregation creating beautiful melodies. I want to make notes on the sermon and jot down the questions that I will ask around the lunch table with my regular group. I want to understand it all.
I realize that this is fairly me-centered. I want all this stuff for my comfort and yet the very identity as a missionary is to reach OUT. It doesn’t have a whole lot to do with me at all.
Because I can’t communicate in Czech I exist within a bubble. And Sundays are my worst days where the pain of that isolation is felt the most. I walk to church alone and get to church to find a seat in the back. I buckle up for the next 2 hours of worship, sermons, testimonies and announcements in a variation of Czech, Polish, Po Naszymu (dialect of our town) and Slovak. I see the students, say hello and then I get the exit handshake and smile from the Pastor as I leave. I walk back to my apartment, and don’t have any discussions because there is not a ‘regular’ crew.
I think that I have such a disappointment with Sundays, because they are typically my favorite day back in Portland. Dressing up, going to church, being spoiled for choice of who I get to talk to and get great hugs from, fantastic worship, sermons that make me think. Experiencing the fellowship of being in the body and the pleasure that we take in community. It’s a family day, so what do we do? We go out to eat as a family - typically Dad picks because Dad pays, but he’s got good taste y’know, you can trust the man!
- This particular Sunday Dad picked a Caribbean Cruise…like I said “Good Taste!”
Sundays…EVERYTHING would be incredibly different if I spoke the language.
It all started in HOW I got here. Which some of you may know was unusual for most missionaries stories: 12 days after the first contact I was flying over to CZ to be offered a job and then moving full time to the field 3 months later. THAT IS NOT NORMAL! That is a David Copperfield magic trick-or illusion, whichever you prefer!
Sometimes I secretly watch other ‘normal’s’ as they walk about their life speaking the language, laughing at inside jokes and nuances in that language, feeling at peace and rest with their spot in life and knowing that this is exactly what God had prepared them for. I get mad at them. Behind my peaceful facade I want to twist my face up and scream that “it isn’t fair!” Why do I feel like the hunch-back-googly-eyed-Quasimodo in land of fair maidens?
I was rushed over here to get a job done. I have no doubt that this is where God wanted and continues to want me to be. But there are side-effects of the rushed move and they are un-ignorable. (How’s that for creative word creation?)
I love church, I love the church, I love the church family. I really miss my church back in Portland. I want to feel the same about my CB church here in Cesky Tesin. And let me be really clear, the people in my church here are awesome! They have invited me over to their homes, greeted me at the door with a smile and a handshake, and smiled and waved across the sanctuary when we were supposed to be listening to the Pastor.
It’s something in me. I hold myself back, I withdraw. Because I know that our relationship can be no more then, “Dobry Den Good Day” then I don’t want to even try. I want to avoid the attempts at conversation because inevitably I get the questions “How long have you lived here now?” The question behind the question is “Why don’t you speak basic Czech by now?” I get it. I would ask the same question. But I don’t want to continue giving them the detailed explanation because at this point, it’s no longer relevant. So I’m withdrawing from the Sunday church community, I’m sitting on my floor -crying- because I just want it all to be ‘normal’ again.
I desperately need community and relationships here, you die on the vine without them. But yet I haven’t been desperate enough to actually put my head down and learn Czech.
I guess it comes down to this…I just don’t want it bad enough and I haven’t trusted God to care about a thing like ‘learning a language.’
. . . seeing that in writing, kinda makes me sick. That’s reality folks, let’s be honest. This is not a pretty situation.
Agh! I gotta figure this out. Well actually there is probably nothing to ‘figure out’ unless I have below average intelligence, which I’m almost sure that I don’t.
I have to learn Czech. Period.
One of the things on my Bucket List is to have a basic conversation with a stranger in Czech before I turn 30. So we have a goal and timeline in mind.
I need your prayers…bad!
Oh dear girl, I read this post and Im flooded with tears. I know that feeling. Deep within my heart. I know that loneliness. I know that awkwardness. I know the frustration of feeling like I should know the language and yet it just doesnt come out like its suppose to! I know what its like to try so hard to pay attention as the pastor talks and have literally no idea whats going on– for hours and hours. I knew it for four and a half years. And as I read your words, it all comes rushing back. A verse I clung to while in Slovenia was Psalm 90:1 “Lord you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations.” He was my home. He was the only thing that was “normal” for me while I was there. I’ll be praying this verse for you today. Wow, Im still teary. Sure wish I could give you a hug. <3
Christina, thanks for your friendship through blog! It means a lot to know that I am not alone and awkward in this phase of my life!
i’m with you. love you tons and i’m with you.
Oh, honey! I understand this so much! Some Sunday’s when I am tired and cannot stand Polish, I see that I am on my way to church and then on my way home. Only to spend the afternoon alone. . . again. Sometimes I enjoy it and am refreshed and other times I just sit here wondering why it is taking me SO LONG to learn Polish to a level where I can have deeper conversations. Stick with it girl! Keep going! When I was able to just speak even with all of my mistakes, I started talking more now even though my conversations are simple, I feel more a part of my church. NOTHING replaces my American church family though! Thanks for sharing your heart!
Wow lady! I hear you- loud and clear. It took me nearly the entire year to find a church- a fellowship community, good worship, great teaching, and an environment where I could allow myself to be open to the presence of the Lord every week. It has only been since March that I have truly found and begun to settle into this place. And yet I am onto step two- make friends and an effort to get involved- like I did back in Portland… and I don’t even have to deal with language barriers as it is an English speaking church! Regardless, I grasp how you feel and will be praying for your diligence in learning Czech… and that you will begin to find yourself feeling a bigger part of the community you long for. Blessings – Nikki
Hey babe, I’ll be praying for you every time I do my Czech studying that I’ll be starting this week. Bring on the masculine animate nouns and imperfective verbs! But hey, Rob and I will be moving to Cesky Tesin soon, so maybe we can work on conquering that crazy language together…and speak some English together, too…
Dobry Den…………..DOOOOOOOOObry DEN ………….DOBREEEEEEEY DENNN…..are you laughing …….I know you can hear it. I’m laughing…and still practicing.
My prayers are with you. The language is Barrier #1, but culture is Barrier #2. Because my field is in an English-speaking country in Western Europe, we don’t deal with Barrier #1 (not that much, but you’d be surprised at the differences), yet many find that making friends and having true community seems to take longer in all of Europe. Makes me think of the saying, “Alone among friends.” Don’t get me wrong, the people here are friendly to us; it just takes longer to be included. It comes in time, though, so keep waiting on the Lord and jump in on the language immersion.
I’ve really enjoyed your blog and its refreshing honesty. I’ve added it to my blogroll.
thanks for the encouragement! I don’t know where you are, but I used to live outside of Belfast and sometimes you would have to ask people again and again what they were saying. You just gotta learn the rhythm of your new culture and home!
Thanks for the add too, that’s awesome!
You can do it buddy!! You can!!
I can completely empathize. I have been in China doing missionary work for a year and though I can have a very small, basic conversation…I am still usually lost the majority of the time and often wish I knew more and/or had been more diligent in studying. Although several of those at church do speak English and my Bible studies are in English, the church service is all in Chinese and I usually have no clue what is going on. I can sing in Chinese now, but still don’t have much of a clue what I am singing!
I love my church family in China & enjoy gathering with them every week, but it is often hard to be filled when you have no clue what is going on week after week. It is a constant challenge, and I have to look to God to sustain me…but admit I don’t always do a great job of that.
I have struggled more with loneliness here than I ever have in my life. I know God has called me here and I am thankful for that. I just thrive in community (as the majority of us do) and miss that greatly!!
Keep at it. I know the language can be a really discouraging thing, but keep persevering and I pray you find a great community where you can be filled and blessed while being used in His Kingdom.
Thanks for sharing! I will be reading
katherine, thanks for your encouragement! It’s always good to know that this battle we fight may feel like we are alone at times, but we are known by our God. And when I get to hear about stories like yours, I know that my struggles and situations are known by other brothers and sisters all over the world! Continue the battle!
Oh my word, you sound awesome in Czech to me!!! You are doing great!!!! That is an entire conversation! I’m super impressed!
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Language learning is difficult. I am a missionary to Germany and my wife is light years beyond me in the language.
What I find difficult is when I understand most of what is being said but I don’t know how to respond.
Good luck and God bless. We will get this language down one day but you are right, we have to want to do it.
Now you know what millions of Christians experience because church happens in a language other than their Heart Language, often one they understand only partially. They may go a lifetime without hearing the Scriptures read in a language they fully understand.