He who thinks he leads and doesn’t have anyone following him is only taking a walk.

isn’t that the truth.

hmm, where to start.  letting out a long deep breath

Well right now I am leading a ministry team of 12 other people.  If anything is on my heart and mind, it’s on dissecting and evaluating my leadership.  You know what I keep thinking about?

2002. Me in a bathtub in Spokane, Washington crying my eyes out for 3 hours.

True story.  After I shut the door of the hotel bathroom closing out the 4 other people in the current conversation that had gone horribly sideways, I saw the bathtub as a type of emotional bomb shelter.  I didn’t even take my shoes off before I climbed into the tub and curled up to cry -wanting the pain and confusion to stop.

I had confronted the offending parties, thinking I was backed by the rest of the leadership team, as per the conversation which ended in, “Yeah Lauree, your exactly right, we support your decision.” Long story short, they didn’t.  End of story: I looked like a schmuck and my ‘team’ had successfully undercut any sort of influence or leadership that I had gained from those that we were leading.

Well I don’t know if you know anything about the cycle of pain, vows and lies.  But what I experienced that night in terms of the pain of feeling absolutely sold out and betrayed resulted in me making a vow to myself- as I sheltered myself in that bathtub- to NEVER feel that way again.  To never allow anyone to hang me out to dry and make me look like a schmuck.  In my opinion, schmucks don’t make influential and respected leaders.

So here I am today.  And in many ways I am still in that bathtub.

Probably afraid I will be mayor of Schmuck-ville yet again.

Now I have 12 sets of eyes looking.  That’s pressure that I haven’t been used to in a long time.  The first wave of doubt was of me feeling again like the ‘black sheep’ the ‘failed and freak-case of a missionary.’ Satan doesn’t need to be super creative to knock me sideways, speaking lies into my ear.

And then feedback came from those around me.  Have you ever felt absolutely alone and unknown to those around you?  All to say is that the feedback didn’t just knock me sideways, it sent me spinning.  I felt unknown, unsafe, splayed out for dissection.

I emotionally climbed back into that bathtub in Spokane.  I clenched my eyes shut and cried.

“Lean in.”

That’s the mantra of Big Boss Mel.  It means not to withdraw in the face of difficulties or pain, but lean in to the fight, the circumstance, the relationship and work it out.  Psh! Forget that!  I was ducking and covering…in a proverbial bathtub.

I was listening to the lies, believing the lies.  It was easier for me to do that because of the pain that I had experienced and the vow that I had made to protect me, because at the end of the day… it weakened me.  You would think that it would make me stronger.  But I was only as strong as my own strength could take me.  I had built a mighty fortress of my own flesh and will, spit and determination.  But none of it yielding to my Father and Protector.  Not trusting that God could be stronger and mightier then my own self-protection.  How foolish I can be!

The past few weeks have been for me a lesson in trust.  Not in my teammates, myself or my leadership.  But in my God.  Realizing that there are areas of my life which I hold tightly, not trusting anyone with this part of me.  And in the process of self protection I have only made a fragile shell of strength and protection.  Inside my walls I am left alone, paranoid, narcissistic, weak minded and further separated from God.

I desperately need God.  I need to remove the facade surrounding me and fully trust God in all areas.

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Psalm 18:2

I cannot protect myself.

I will fail.

But God…

God wants to set me free from my bathtub bunkering and allow me to live in the freedom of His protection and His leading.  There is nothing that I am going through or thinking that He does not know and allow.  If I’m in it, I can handle it.  NOT because of who I am, or how strong I think that I am. ONLY by the strength and purpose of the Lord.  I need to understand…truly to the very depths of my understanding of me…that God is enough, that He is my shield and deliverer.  And with that truth stored away in my heart- the only purpose for a bathtub is to relax…